Favid Dinkelstein (not his real name) tipped me off on the fact that I now dominate the results of Google Image Search for the term “jewfro”. Go see for yourselves, I’ll wait.
Ok, I am not the first result. But close. This may be my biggest accomplishment ever. I beat notable jewfros included but defnitely not limited to:
In order to commemorate this, and knowing that Google will surely tweak their algorithms until I’m off the list because I don’t use Android, I took a giant screenshot which I have annotated and post here for posterity. Click on it to zoom-in.
I used to watch a lot of wrestling growing up. Both WWF (Hulk Hogan is my hero) and Mexican wrestling which was on TV every Saturday night before a Mauricio Garcés movie. I even knew who the real Mil Máscaras was. And while my dad took me to a WWF event in San Antonio, I never went to the famous Arena Coliseo in Monterrey.
Until last weekend, that is. Jaco my brother, Bernardo my nephew, Eli my cousin, Ori his kid, and Danny my cousin headed to the beautiful arena for 4 hours of non-stop fake violence. And the best part: the main event was a 3 vs 3 fight featuring wrestling superstar Blue Demon Jr:
I’d like to clarify some of the rumors circling around the internet about a photo of myself in the ring with no shirt: they are true, the photo exists but will not be revealed. Unless…
Yesterday I fulfilled one of my childhood dreams: I climbed on the ropes of the ring at the wrestling venue Arena Coliseo. I was booed by the audience, they thought I was a heel. If I get 200 likes I’ll post the photo. (link)
– Marcos Kirsch on Facebook
As of now, we are well short of 200 likes, so the photo shall remain out of sight.
More protein than beef. More omegas than salmon. Tons of calcium, antioxidants, and vitamin B.
Most importantly, it’s supposed to look, taste – and the hard one – have the texture of a real hamburger. So is it true? The MKX® set out to find out.
Unsurprisingly, Whole Foods was the only place where I found it. It comes in a box in the frozen section. Two patties for $6, which seems pretty expensive to me, but what do I know.
While there, I also bought the only hamburger buns they had. They were whole wheat, organic, small, dry, overpriced, and nasty. This means that the Beast Burger would be at a disadvantage in the taste tests. I wasn’t about to go to HEB for normal hamburger buns though. To round it out, I got overpriced organic tomatoes and lettuce, both looked great.
So for the taste test I invited three participants.
Eli: Lifelong vegetarian, hasn’t eaten a hamburger ever.
Nira: vegetarian since 2000, hasn’t had a hamburger in five years.
Shlomit: vegetarian since that morning, hadn’t had a hamburger in five days.
While the instructions on the box say you can do this on a pan, I had to do it right and fired off the grill for the first time since last year.
This is what it looked like:
The weird looking things in the back are portobello mushrooms, in case the experiment is a failure. I was not brave enough to face hungry blood-lusting vegetarians.
You can see the four patties. The one on the left still has ice on it – you are supposed to put them on the grill still frozen. They do look like convincing hamburgers and for this they get a point. Notice those beautiful grill lines on them. I take no credit for them: that’s how it came out of the box. To me that’s cheating and for all I know they use dye to paint them.
After a few minutes on the grill I served the hamburgers. Here’s Eli and Shlomit enjoying them:
This is what they had to say:
Eli: I have no idea if this is what a hamburger should taste like, but it’s good.
Nira: It’s good.
Shlomit: I want a real hamburger.
It was so good that I still have four frozen patties in my freezer and no plans to eat them anytime soon.
The texture was pretty convincing.
The taste was a little bit bland, needed more spices and maybe salt.
It was a pretty small burger.
Better buns would have helped.
I think that if you aren’t vegetarian, you shouldn’t approach this as “will taste like a hamburger” or you will be disappointed. You should think of it it the way I think about Tex-Mex (don’t expect Mexican), or soy milk (don’t expect milk), or transvestites (no further comment). If you do this, I think the Beast Burger is a pretty decent non-meat meal and my cholesterol thanks me for it.
That said, any man with instinct for self-preservation knows that when hungry nursing woman says, “I want a real hamburger,” you must deliver.
So here’s the real beast of a burger: Roaring Fork’s famous and also overpriced $14 1 pound of real cow “Big Ass Burger”: